#2 The Power of Community

Prolonged isolation is one of the most dangerous things that can happen to a living being. In short periods it is a means of re-centering, meditation, and recovery. However, spend too long in that introspective chamber and most of us begin to turn on ourselves. We over analyze, pick ourselves apart, and focus way too long on flaws. As an extrovert my max isolation is roughly 4 hours. Even in a crowded gym, if I don’t have positive interactions with a few humans I know, or even a new one I get all anxious. I lose focus and can’t truly enjoy myself until that one, short, small talk session and I’m full of energy again. “Who did you climb with?” is way more important than “What did you climb?” and it’s always Wife’s first question to assess how my climbing session went. My value system is currently still all caught up in grade chasing but, if my community is nearby every day has joy. 

    This week brought delightful breakthrough, and it’s 100% thanks to a wonderful community that has surrounded me. For all the comments, facebook messages, and texts I can’t thank you all enough. Most of my fear comes from being exposed, but I showed the real and got nothing but positive feedback. It helps break down the lies and free me from self-imposed shackles of guilt and shame. It exposed my value system and just how broken it is. I always knew it was jacked but good people are helping to set it right. 

I had my normal 10am-2pm climb session on Saturday and went back after the same V6 that broke me to begin with. I made slight progress but little hope of a send in sight. In between attempts we had real talk with Andrew Gottworth (An ideal human who literally is saving the world) and Matt Dirkes (my best friend and favorite climbing partner). Mostly about value systems, how insane mine is, and mental health/mindfulness. Together we found the heart of my issues, having a performance based value system absolutely skyrockets my drive to succeed. I throw myself at things until broken and never give up no matter the consequences. If I didn’t have this value system I wouldn’t push myself as hard, I wouldn’t strive so much, and I probably wouldn’t succeed as much. However, failure leaves me crippled and questioning everything. Is the payoff worth the pain? Should I change my value system in order to be happy? Or keep the same ass-kicking drive to get that extra inch of power? 

Andrew’s value system is completely people based, if he met someone new, laughed with friends, or made someone feel loved, then his climbing session was a success. If he sends some hard boulders he is happy but if he falls all day long he is still happy, as long as he positively impacted the people around him. Failure to him would be if his friends and community weren’t made better by his presence. If he was a dark cloud of anger, or put other people down he would take a hard look at himself and find what he needs to change to be a more positive presence. When I was at my emotional peak of joy this was my priority. In my college community building people up was my #1 goal and everything else was a side project, of course days changed and priorities shifted, but for the most part all I wanted was to bring joy to those near me. For a few brief moments I brought myself back to this place, I shifted priorities I walked up to the V6 of emotional tribulation and whispered “It’s okay if you don’t”. Through breathing, coming into a place of calm, and releasing myself from the need to succeed, I topped it. I hit the low pocket, I calmed my overactive heart and mind, I bumped, I locked it, I sent. Joy and pride washed over me but also, it was okay if I didn’t. I was happy, but way happier that it wasn’t internal rage and self-loathing that got me to the top. It was peace, it was a self-love, it was a community surrounding me and cheering me on regardless of results. It was heart changing.

I’ve been climbing and going through life with the same mentality, always strive for more, always grow, always improve. You’re only living if you are better today than you were yesterday, you need to be making more money, growing bigger muscles, being funnier, having more people love you, building something new, starting a new project, increasing a previous project, having more success. It’s a little bit exhausting, always pushing and pressuring yourself, only being at peace if you’ve had a victory. I always knew I was hard on myself and expected a lot of me, but taking a look at it now, I Am Crazy. For 30 years I have had a completely toxic philosophy. There have been glimmers of truth, Christianity gave me my first real look at unconditional love. I still added my own conditions to it but at the core Jesus loves in spite of everything wrong with me. When I really lean into that truth of Unconditional love I breathe easier, I think clearer and anxiety has a weaker grip. I worry I may lose my drive to succeed, but life is a pendulum, I need to lean into each direction to find a true center. I may overcompensate but if I find consistent joy and self-love, I think I went in the right direction. It’ll be easy enough to re-engage the rage and maybe I can turn it into a tool to use in the right situations instead of a complex that overwhelms and inhibits truth.

I have my community to thank, friends who speak encouragement and truth, parents who never stop being proud, a wife who is always there. I am surrounded by the best and kindest.
When caught up in a comparison mindset I turn my community against me. I have a statistically significant amount of engineer friends and if I compare all I see is peers making double what I make while being younger than me. I see their successes where all I have is failures, but that’s not fair to them or me. We are humans on different paths, society may say they are monetarily worth more than me but monetary worth is hardly accurate. We get so caught up in illusions of success, IG, Twitter, YouTube and even Facebook can lead up into this horrendous comparison mentality. Everyone presents their best self and everyone compares their worst self to it. We get an illusion of community but then get caught up in likes and follows. We watch the best in the world and wonder why we aren’t them. We watch Ninja Warrior and apex athleticism while we eat m&ms and sit on the couch. Comparison kills true community and leaves you always trying to one up the other. While this can be a good motivator it rarely goes beyond anything more than surface, and poisons any hope of deep friendship with vulnerability. 

I love trash talking my friends and heckling about things that don’t really matter. It started in Frisbee and was hilarious at the time but, mostly thanks to the wife, I realized how toxic it was. When everything out of your mouth tears people down, playfully or not, it becomes all that you know how to do. It becomes habitual and a reaction even in inappropriate situations. You stop reading the room and you just start shouting. It doesn’t build people up, it doesn’t strengthen community, it’s funny, but toxic and once again you’re killing any chance at real friendship. It’s just overbearing “masculinity” that encourages comparison culture, and remembering failure. 

I’m realizing more things about myself that I need to change, attributes that I fell into naturally that don’t encourage my core principles. My old(current?) value system would inspire change through aggression, if you want to be different you have to aggressively attack the things you don’t like. Berate yourself for failure, dig deep and cast out your iniquities. You can only change if you passionately and violently strive for it. My new value system is the complete opposite, if I want to encourage a loving and uplifting culture I need to become loving and uplifting and that starts with me. When I show myself forgiveness, it is easier to forgive others. When I show myself love and encouragement it naturally flows to others. I don’t need a Spanish inquisition to alter myself, I need a support system, a community of unconditional love and, a self-esteem based not on comparison or success but those same core values of embracing and uplifting. 

In growth and development we are all a result of our community and upbringing. For some that makes us benefactors to take the wisdom and self-care we were given and go help. For others, we are victims, having to unlearn broken mindsets beset us without consent. The majority are a blend of both, able to gain wisdom from examples of what to do and what not to do. No one has a perfect community but we all choose to either give to our community or to take from. Assess yourself, not critically or overbearingly but simply reflect on, are you a piece of the community that builds or a part that is always needing, taking, or berating. It may only be a season of life that places you in a desperate need to receive but oft time, it is when you give to your community that the healing truly begins. You may feel broken and destitute, incapable of a positive self-thought but when you bring joy to those around you, both parties heal. 

I don’t have it all figured out, but together we learn, grow, and heal. We build up the communities around us and they naturally increase. We reinforce the values we want to see in the world by repeating them in our own hearts and minds. I am not yet a man recognized first and foremost for inclusion but when I learn to accept myself it becomes natural to accept others and in a short time-frame a community of support is built. It may also be a community based on a similar activity but as humans we should naturally flow towards building relationships that transcend the activity. A new activity brings acquaintances and a new hobby a good basis for ending isolation. Be intentional with those nearby, leave a positive impact. Leave every interaction with a smile an encouraging word or just something to uplift those around you. You may be alone for now but those few small intentional moves, even if awkward at first, build the foundation for intentional community.