Improvise, Adapt, Overcome. It’s the real reason we love Bear Grylls so much. He overcomes anything the world throws at him. There’s not a single scenario that defeats him or makes him quit. We are so prone to giving up but watching a man defeat all odds inspires us. Few of us would ever actually go to his lengths and even fewer would survive if they tried, but something about watching a man climb a waterfall awakens a primal instinct to overcome. We are not meant to get stuck, quit or lay down. The Ethos instinct kicks in and we find a way to live no matter what. The Secret to Life is to overcome.

    Boys and Girls are generally taught very differently on how to deal with struggle. As a male emotions are the enemy, they cloud judgment, make you lose respect among other males, and are generally frowned upon. You’re not a man to be coddled or nurtured. Man up and figure it out. I cried a lot as a boy, the smallest things would trigger and tears would flow without my consent. I hated it, but the greater the anger the stronger the tears. It made me feel weak, out of control, and like a baby. Exterior sources confirmed this as truth, interior sources turned against me and emotions were uncontrollable. I felt like a mutant just discovering their powers except my own power was to cry and annoy others. I couldn’t even ask for basic wants or needs without tears. I’d cry to ask a teacher to use the bathroom. I felt like a complete burden on every human and only wanted to hide all the time. This didn’t even really stop until I was maybe 12. I remember being in Boyscouts and I really didn’t want to go on a camping trip. Mere hours before we were supposed to leave, I asked dad if I could stay home and couldn’t even get the words out, just an overflow of emotions and waterworks. He said “If you can talk to me like a man without tears, you can stay home” that was all I needed. Sniffed those tears right up and asked to stay home. I’d never been happier to not be in the woods but also, I kinda controlled my feelings for a second, it wasn’t pretty but it worked for the first time in my life.

    The second of my life changing moments of self-control I have to give credit to the Matrix for, The Oracle’s saying of “Know Thyself” resonated in my entire being. I was an absolute mess up to this point, probably would have been labeled with all kinds of disorders if doctors had been involved but “know thyself” stopped me. If I know me, I can control me. Surely there are forces at work causing all of these chaotic thoughts and feelings, if I understand the forces I can overcome my base instincts. Observation and Analysis became my world, being a third born I could watch all sorts of family dynamics. Being overwhelmingly shy allowed me to people watch social dynamics. Being abnormally quiet (when I wasn’t emotionally ruptured) allowed me to be unnoticed, a literal fly on the wall. No one was going to coddle me, no one was going to teach me, you figure it out, or you drown. I was not going to drown. 

    You can learn an absurd amount of details from watching, you learn what works, learn what doesn’t, and learn to exhibit behaviors that create the response you want. You can learn to manipulate, trick, and lie, or you learn to be honest no matter the cost. “Never stop learning” was a very important mantra passed down from my Mother. If you do anything with your life just never stop learning. When you stop learning, you get stuck. The easiest manifestation of this for me is an obstacle course. If there is a 14 foot wall in front of you, you only have 2 options. Go over it or get stuck. I have met an obscene amount of walls in my life of all varying sizes. They take all kinds of approaches and time to get over but every wall you overcome makes the next one easier. The wall of emotional stability is the worst and often gets revisited but I can always remember that I overcame once, I can do it again.

    I’m not entirely sure where my resilience comes from, or what drives me to defeat everything that comes at me. I think I watched too many superhero shows as a kid and got convinced I’m some sort of hero myself. The hero of the story never loses, at least never permanently. I tell my wife all the time that I’m not human, that I can’t be held to human standards. I don’t think she believes me yet but I know the truth. As long as I mentally stay “inhuman” (yes it’s a joke, I’m not totally nuts) then I expect myself to overcome everything, to be the best there is, to never lose. I am the protagonist, it is my destiny to win. If a wall comes before me, I will top it. I have proven myself against all manner of obstacles. There is not a single situation that exists in the world that I cannot handle. I know this because I’ve gone through it, it’s not irrational, it’s not overly cocky, it’s statistically true.

    The wife and I have not had a fairy tale start. I had hoped my times of trials and tribulations had stopped and I could rejoice in my union but within 4 days the world came after us. Getting robbed twice in 3 weeks, overcoming PTSD and Anxiety, going to I don’t even know how many therapists. Seeking constant advice from friends and family, relying on community just to function. Handling every breakdown in the world, making all kinds of life adjustments. Giving up hobbies, friendships, and most activities. Practicing seeing triggers before the meltdown, training on control and internal observation. Finally, seeing hope and joy, laughing again, getting hobbies back, rebuilding community. Losing a child, being ripped apart emotionally, watching your wife break again. Losing it all. Tears, so many tears, should have bought stock in tissues. Trying to give hope and joy to the one you love when you don’t even have any yourself. Broken, fighting every instinct to turn on each other. For Better or Worse, you didn’t say it lightly. Sickness and in health, you include mental. Until Death do we part, that doesn’t leave any other out. You are here, you have to figure it out, you have to solve it, you have to wait. Time, it took so much time, so few steps forward and so many backward. I was hard, harder than I wanted to be, but toughness is what got me through my own personal hell. How do you give that to your wife? 

Krav Maga. Arguments could be made that I owe my marriage to this sport. I could only be so tough and can only expect so much from my wife but in class… in class she could rage as much as she needed. She got to find that animal instinct of whatever it takes. She found that part of her that unlocks and refuses to die. It could be a choke hold from a 300lb man, break it. A knee giving out from too much strain, win with the other one. A girl who’s trained BJJ for 7 years, beat her. WHATEVER. IT. TAKES. I couldn’t teach my wife war, it didn’t fit our roles and relationship. This group could, I will forever be grateful. 

    I couldn’t be more proud of this girl. She came from a very peaceful life, she came from struggles yes but fewer and much farther between and with a very strong support system. What I learned in isolation she learned with reliance on others. She grew with protection, I grew to protect myself from everyone. Her threat assessment broke from experience, mine had been on high alert from birth. Today, we celebrate, every day we celebrate because of what we have overcome. It takes a whole lot of hell to learn how to fight at 30 but she’s living proof that it’s possible. She didn’t quit, she didn’t back down, she didn’t run away to safer places. Through all hell, we stuck it out together and we are so strong for it. I knew there’d be a day where I could stand proud and say “look at my wife, look at this warrior, look at the Queen of F**king everything”. My heart swells knowing we made it this far. My eyes are tearing up for the first time in joy. She’s my hero, we are heroes. We Overcome. It didn’t come easy, it was in no way free, and it tested every part of who we are but if we can do it… anyone can. Your marriage is worth it, your friends are worth it, you are worth it. Improvise, Adapt, Overcome.

Prolonged isolation is one of the most dangerous things that can happen to a living being. In short periods it is a means of re-centering, meditation, and recovery. However, spend too long in that introspective chamber and most of us begin to turn on ourselves. We over analyze, pick ourselves apart, and focus way too long on flaws. As an extrovert my max isolation is roughly 4 hours. Even in a crowded gym, if I don’t have positive interactions with a few humans I know, or even a new one I get all anxious. I lose focus and can’t truly enjoy myself until that one, short, small talk session and I’m full of energy again. “Who did you climb with?” is way more important than “What did you climb?” and it’s always Wife’s first question to assess how my climbing session went. My value system is currently still all caught up in grade chasing but, if my community is nearby every day has joy. 

    This week brought delightful breakthrough, and it’s 100% thanks to a wonderful community that has surrounded me. For all the comments, facebook messages, and texts I can’t thank you all enough. Most of my fear comes from being exposed, but I showed the real and got nothing but positive feedback. It helps break down the lies and free me from self-imposed shackles of guilt and shame. It exposed my value system and just how broken it is. I always knew it was jacked but good people are helping to set it right. 

I had my normal 10am-2pm climb session on Saturday and went back after the same V6 that broke me to begin with. I made slight progress but little hope of a send in sight. In between attempts we had real talk with Andrew Gottworth (An ideal human who literally is saving the world) and Matt Dirkes (my best friend and favorite climbing partner). Mostly about value systems, how insane mine is, and mental health/mindfulness. Together we found the heart of my issues, having a performance based value system absolutely skyrockets my drive to succeed. I throw myself at things until broken and never give up no matter the consequences. If I didn’t have this value system I wouldn’t push myself as hard, I wouldn’t strive so much, and I probably wouldn’t succeed as much. However, failure leaves me crippled and questioning everything. Is the payoff worth the pain? Should I change my value system in order to be happy? Or keep the same ass-kicking drive to get that extra inch of power? 

Andrew’s value system is completely people based, if he met someone new, laughed with friends, or made someone feel loved, then his climbing session was a success. If he sends some hard boulders he is happy but if he falls all day long he is still happy, as long as he positively impacted the people around him. Failure to him would be if his friends and community weren’t made better by his presence. If he was a dark cloud of anger, or put other people down he would take a hard look at himself and find what he needs to change to be a more positive presence. When I was at my emotional peak of joy this was my priority. In my college community building people up was my #1 goal and everything else was a side project, of course days changed and priorities shifted, but for the most part all I wanted was to bring joy to those near me. For a few brief moments I brought myself back to this place, I shifted priorities I walked up to the V6 of emotional tribulation and whispered “It’s okay if you don’t”. Through breathing, coming into a place of calm, and releasing myself from the need to succeed, I topped it. I hit the low pocket, I calmed my overactive heart and mind, I bumped, I locked it, I sent. Joy and pride washed over me but also, it was okay if I didn’t. I was happy, but way happier that it wasn’t internal rage and self-loathing that got me to the top. It was peace, it was a self-love, it was a community surrounding me and cheering me on regardless of results. It was heart changing.

I’ve been climbing and going through life with the same mentality, always strive for more, always grow, always improve. You’re only living if you are better today than you were yesterday, you need to be making more money, growing bigger muscles, being funnier, having more people love you, building something new, starting a new project, increasing a previous project, having more success. It’s a little bit exhausting, always pushing and pressuring yourself, only being at peace if you’ve had a victory. I always knew I was hard on myself and expected a lot of me, but taking a look at it now, I Am Crazy. For 30 years I have had a completely toxic philosophy. There have been glimmers of truth, Christianity gave me my first real look at unconditional love. I still added my own conditions to it but at the core Jesus loves in spite of everything wrong with me. When I really lean into that truth of Unconditional love I breathe easier, I think clearer and anxiety has a weaker grip. I worry I may lose my drive to succeed, but life is a pendulum, I need to lean into each direction to find a true center. I may overcompensate but if I find consistent joy and self-love, I think I went in the right direction. It’ll be easy enough to re-engage the rage and maybe I can turn it into a tool to use in the right situations instead of a complex that overwhelms and inhibits truth.

I have my community to thank, friends who speak encouragement and truth, parents who never stop being proud, a wife who is always there. I am surrounded by the best and kindest.
When caught up in a comparison mindset I turn my community against me. I have a statistically significant amount of engineer friends and if I compare all I see is peers making double what I make while being younger than me. I see their successes where all I have is failures, but that’s not fair to them or me. We are humans on different paths, society may say they are monetarily worth more than me but monetary worth is hardly accurate. We get so caught up in illusions of success, IG, Twitter, YouTube and even Facebook can lead up into this horrendous comparison mentality. Everyone presents their best self and everyone compares their worst self to it. We get an illusion of community but then get caught up in likes and follows. We watch the best in the world and wonder why we aren’t them. We watch Ninja Warrior and apex athleticism while we eat m&ms and sit on the couch. Comparison kills true community and leaves you always trying to one up the other. While this can be a good motivator it rarely goes beyond anything more than surface, and poisons any hope of deep friendship with vulnerability. 

I love trash talking my friends and heckling about things that don’t really matter. It started in Frisbee and was hilarious at the time but, mostly thanks to the wife, I realized how toxic it was. When everything out of your mouth tears people down, playfully or not, it becomes all that you know how to do. It becomes habitual and a reaction even in inappropriate situations. You stop reading the room and you just start shouting. It doesn’t build people up, it doesn’t strengthen community, it’s funny, but toxic and once again you’re killing any chance at real friendship. It’s just overbearing “masculinity” that encourages comparison culture, and remembering failure. 

I’m realizing more things about myself that I need to change, attributes that I fell into naturally that don’t encourage my core principles. My old(current?) value system would inspire change through aggression, if you want to be different you have to aggressively attack the things you don’t like. Berate yourself for failure, dig deep and cast out your iniquities. You can only change if you passionately and violently strive for it. My new value system is the complete opposite, if I want to encourage a loving and uplifting culture I need to become loving and uplifting and that starts with me. When I show myself forgiveness, it is easier to forgive others. When I show myself love and encouragement it naturally flows to others. I don’t need a Spanish inquisition to alter myself, I need a support system, a community of unconditional love and, a self-esteem based not on comparison or success but those same core values of embracing and uplifting. 

In growth and development we are all a result of our community and upbringing. For some that makes us benefactors to take the wisdom and self-care we were given and go help. For others, we are victims, having to unlearn broken mindsets beset us without consent. The majority are a blend of both, able to gain wisdom from examples of what to do and what not to do. No one has a perfect community but we all choose to either give to our community or to take from. Assess yourself, not critically or overbearingly but simply reflect on, are you a piece of the community that builds or a part that is always needing, taking, or berating. It may only be a season of life that places you in a desperate need to receive but oft time, it is when you give to your community that the healing truly begins. You may feel broken and destitute, incapable of a positive self-thought but when you bring joy to those around you, both parties heal. 

I don’t have it all figured out, but together we learn, grow, and heal. We build up the communities around us and they naturally increase. We reinforce the values we want to see in the world by repeating them in our own hearts and minds. I am not yet a man recognized first and foremost for inclusion but when I learn to accept myself it becomes natural to accept others and in a short time-frame a community of support is built. It may also be a community based on a similar activity but as humans we should naturally flow towards building relationships that transcend the activity. A new activity brings acquaintances and a new hobby a good basis for ending isolation. Be intentional with those nearby, leave a positive impact. Leave every interaction with a smile an encouraging word or just something to uplift those around you. You may be alone for now but those few small intentional moves, even if awkward at first, build the foundation for intentional community. 

I am an Imposter. Constantly pretending to be something I’m not in order to blend in or to appear like I’ve got it all together. I practiced reading people, I spent hours learning how to predict behavior, everything was given to the task of being a perfect chameleon. I always need to say the right thing or behave the right way to receive affirmation from others. I receive value by comparison, if I’m the best in the room I have value. If I am not I should be quiet and listen in order to learn from the best. In fact if you’re better than me I probably don’t even have a right to speak to you. Keep your head down, do your job, don’t stand out. 

This leaves me with quite a conflict. I crave the spotlight, and fear it more than anything else. It’s a painful dichotomy. A need to be noticed and evaluated and an intense fear of being noticed and evaluated. A crippling fear of supervisors and yet a need to be affirmed by the same humans I fear. A compulsion to stay an imposter, to only present my best self so that I only get positive feedback. I recently learned of imposter syndrome and it struck a chord in me. I felt completely exposed, terrified, and relieved. I keep wanting to say that’s not me, I’m confident, cocky, and self-assured… some days, and some days not so much. Is that normal or is that a syndrome?

According to a 2011 review of research on “imposterism,” common traits of someone who has imposter syndrome include: feeling highly anxious about an achievement-related task. going overboard on a specific task because you’re afraid of failing. needing to be the very best, and dismissing your own talents when you aren’t.

When I was a senior in high school I took my first psychology course.  I cried so many times in that class and it led me to seek therapy. It was as if the more I learned of myself the more terrified and anxious I became. I remember one class so vividly (even 13 years later), we were doing a lesson on fear and teacher decided to have everyone “anonymously” write their biggest fears on a piece of paper put it in a hat, pass the hat around the room and everyone reads someone else’s. The format “My Biggest Fear is: ______” Seemed really straight forward to me, no need to write the first 4 words since they are the same on literally all 33 of these kid’s words. However the girl, Amy, who read mine apparently needed the full sentence. I only wrote 3 words “I will fail”, she read them and laughed. Like gut laughed and mocked probably because I didn’t write the whole sentence but my own insecurity couldn’t take it.  My fear of failure is something to be mocked. I am something to be mocked. I do not have value. They were already words that plagued me, this was just another affirmation of my worthlessness.

I judge myself in 3 basic categories, Athletic ability, Work Success, and Relationships. Any one of these can trigger a depressive episode but if I reframe, the other two can protect me. If I have a really good climb session with nothing but victory, work or any relational issues can be ignored and forgotten, at least I’m strong. Likewise if work is awful and I didn’t get to go to the gym if the wife shows me love I’m good, cause at least she finds value in me. If both of those are falling apart but I’m kicking ass at work and heading for a promotion I’ve got that in my corner and I feel great. It’s my own attempt at a triangular fortress of mental protection. 

The question becomes is this all imposter syndrome or just general anxiety? At my core I’m very chill and very confident in things being okay. I’ve gone through enough hell in my life that I’m quite sure of my own survival in any situation. But surviving and thriving are very different ways to live your life. It’s not enough to just make it through every day, I want to be satisfied and happy with everything I do. I want to accomplish new tasks without body convulsing anxiety going into it. I want to go into evaluations without fear, knowing who I am and what I have accomplished. Not hiding and hoping they haven’t seen all my flaws and failures. 

“Needing to be the very best, and dismissing your own talents when you aren’t.” I do have safety protocols on this thought, I only compare myself to people “in my category”. In frisbee I only compared myself to people at my level, I fully expected to be dunked on by X or Hamilton and other top tier Frisbee players but if Rosen or John Lar took me down I’d redouble my efforts. There were acceptable losses, and unacceptable ones but as long as I was performing in my window I was satisfied. This club season and even league season in Frisbee destroyed me. I placed a lot of value and expectations on myself and I did not meet them. I was benched, I wasn’t trusted to perform, I wasn’t valuable enough to be on the field. I already had plans to retire from the sport soon but these broke my spirit. I dishonorably discharged myself because I’m not good enough and I cannot stand failure. 

This takes climbing to my only assessment of Athletic ability, which is riddled with excuses and ways to defend oneself. However, it’s not a team sport so there’s no way to blame another individual, it’s all on you if you send it or not. When I succeed I am joyful as to be expected but if I go in with a goal and I do not achieve it or I do not perform to my levels I am crushed, I implode on myself and say insane things like “If I don’t send a V6 I have no value and am worthless to everyone”. As if a V grade gives my person worth. I need to be able to pull with 105lbs of force on my left arm or I don’t deserve to even try. It is insanity, but it’s what my brain does. Last night I struggled and failed time and time again, I left with not enough victories to reframe despite being so sore my grip almost failed me on the drive home. It’s just not enough. 

I’m 30. I’m old for a climber, especially one who didn’t get a base of strength before age 27. I’ll never stand on a podium, I’ll never win a competition, I’ll never compete on a larger scale than my own local gyms. I’ll most likely never climb harder than a V9 and that’s only if a setter sets something way soft and mislabels. If I say these things am I simply giving into fear and refusing to try, does failure determine if I attempt? Or am I being wise and setting attainable goals?

I have stupid dreams, hopes of getting instafamous, trying to be a youtuber when I can’t even climb a V7, investing in Tik-Tok and Twitter thinking someday I’ll do something that goes viral. Trying to coach, when I find it hard to believe I have anything to offer. Trying to use my winning personality to make money. In reality I’ll never be more than an Intermediate climber who falls more than he sends, and helps other people get better than he can himself. Those that can’t do, Teach. 

Maybe I’ll have a kid who goes head over heels for climbing, maybe I teach them well and their passion soars and they go places I only dream of. But maybe they hate it, maybe it’s not what they want. I can’t make my kids live my dreams, they have their own. And so I lay to rest any hopes of being anything more than average. I refuse to force on my spawn a value system that is accomplishment based. I refuse to make them like me. They will know love without condition. They will have worth regardless of actions. I cannot fix me, not yet, but maybe I can make them better.

So what’s the point of this nonsensical smattering of sadness?
How To Deal With Imposter Syndrome: Type Two – What You Can Do

• HAVE SOMEONE YOU TRUST TO TALK TO. 
• MAKE A LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS, SUCCESS STORIES AND POSITIVE FEEDBACK.
• TALK ABOUT IT WITH OTHERS. CHANCES ARE THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY.

I ignore everything, I hide everything mostly because I’m convinced no one really cares if I had a bad day. I pretend to be okay, even to myself, I act cocky and like a jackass to defend myself from any sense of failure. I live with the persistent inability to believe that my own success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of my efforts or skills. Maybe some of you do too, maybe not. Either way this is just a little glimpse into who I am, and why I’m so ridiculous all the time. Maybe it’s true, and maybe it’s not, emotions, logic, and truth don’t always match. Some days the imposter feel is stronger than others, some days it’s like it doesn’t exist at all. Sometimes it’s just general anxiety and fear and can’t even be called imposter syndrome. The inconsistency just makes it harder, and I can’t always see the truth of the situation. My compulsion to win often unlocks new levels of power and pushing myself to new heights, but it can also leave me feeling entirely too defeated when I lose. 

I am not an imposter, but I do struggle. I have so much to accomplish, and so many dreams to fulfill. I won’t give up, I refuse to quit, but I often lose and losing is just a normal part of life. No need to lie about it, pretend it doesn’t matter, or blow it off. Accept it, learn from it, and MOVE ON. This is the talk about it version of healing.