Improvise, Adapt, Overcome. It’s the real reason we love Bear Grylls so much. He overcomes anything the world throws at him. There’s not a single scenario that defeats him or makes him quit. We are so prone to giving up but watching a man defeat all odds inspires us. Few of us would ever actually go to his lengths and even fewer would survive if they tried, but something about watching a man climb a waterfall awakens a primal instinct to overcome. We are not meant to get stuck, quit or lay down. The Ethos instinct kicks in and we find a way to live no matter what. The Secret to Life is to overcome.
Boys and Girls are generally taught very differently on how to deal with struggle. As a male emotions are the enemy, they cloud judgment, make you lose respect among other males, and are generally frowned upon. You’re not a man to be coddled or nurtured. Man up and figure it out. I cried a lot as a boy, the smallest things would trigger and tears would flow without my consent. I hated it, but the greater the anger the stronger the tears. It made me feel weak, out of control, and like a baby. Exterior sources confirmed this as truth, interior sources turned against me and emotions were uncontrollable. I felt like a mutant just discovering their powers except my own power was to cry and annoy others. I couldn’t even ask for basic wants or needs without tears. I’d cry to ask a teacher to use the bathroom. I felt like a complete burden on every human and only wanted to hide all the time. This didn’t even really stop until I was maybe 12. I remember being in Boyscouts and I really didn’t want to go on a camping trip. Mere hours before we were supposed to leave, I asked dad if I could stay home and couldn’t even get the words out, just an overflow of emotions and waterworks. He said “If you can talk to me like a man without tears, you can stay home” that was all I needed. Sniffed those tears right up and asked to stay home. I’d never been happier to not be in the woods but also, I kinda controlled my feelings for a second, it wasn’t pretty but it worked for the first time in my life.
The second of my life changing moments of self-control I have to give credit to the Matrix for, The Oracle’s saying of “Know Thyself” resonated in my entire being. I was an absolute mess up to this point, probably would have been labeled with all kinds of disorders if doctors had been involved but “know thyself” stopped me. If I know me, I can control me. Surely there are forces at work causing all of these chaotic thoughts and feelings, if I understand the forces I can overcome my base instincts. Observation and Analysis became my world, being a third born I could watch all sorts of family dynamics. Being overwhelmingly shy allowed me to people watch social dynamics. Being abnormally quiet (when I wasn’t emotionally ruptured) allowed me to be unnoticed, a literal fly on the wall. No one was going to coddle me, no one was going to teach me, you figure it out, or you drown. I was not going to drown.
You can learn an absurd amount of details from watching, you learn what works, learn what doesn’t, and learn to exhibit behaviors that create the response you want. You can learn to manipulate, trick, and lie, or you learn to be honest no matter the cost. “Never stop learning” was a very important mantra passed down from my Mother. If you do anything with your life just never stop learning. When you stop learning, you get stuck. The easiest manifestation of this for me is an obstacle course. If there is a 14 foot wall in front of you, you only have 2 options. Go over it or get stuck. I have met an obscene amount of walls in my life of all varying sizes. They take all kinds of approaches and time to get over but every wall you overcome makes the next one easier. The wall of emotional stability is the worst and often gets revisited but I can always remember that I overcame once, I can do it again.
I’m not entirely sure where my resilience comes from, or what drives me to defeat everything that comes at me. I think I watched too many superhero shows as a kid and got convinced I’m some sort of hero myself. The hero of the story never loses, at least never permanently. I tell my wife all the time that I’m not human, that I can’t be held to human standards. I don’t think she believes me yet but I know the truth. As long as I mentally stay “inhuman” (yes it’s a joke, I’m not totally nuts) then I expect myself to overcome everything, to be the best there is, to never lose. I am the protagonist, it is my destiny to win. If a wall comes before me, I will top it. I have proven myself against all manner of obstacles. There is not a single situation that exists in the world that I cannot handle. I know this because I’ve gone through it, it’s not irrational, it’s not overly cocky, it’s statistically true.
The wife and I have not had a fairy tale start. I had hoped my times of trials and tribulations had stopped and I could rejoice in my union but within 4 days the world came after us. Getting robbed twice in 3 weeks, overcoming PTSD and Anxiety, going to I don’t even know how many therapists. Seeking constant advice from friends and family, relying on community just to function. Handling every breakdown in the world, making all kinds of life adjustments. Giving up hobbies, friendships, and most activities. Practicing seeing triggers before the meltdown, training on control and internal observation. Finally, seeing hope and joy, laughing again, getting hobbies back, rebuilding community. Losing a child, being ripped apart emotionally, watching your wife break again. Losing it all. Tears, so many tears, should have bought stock in tissues. Trying to give hope and joy to the one you love when you don’t even have any yourself. Broken, fighting every instinct to turn on each other. For Better or Worse, you didn’t say it lightly. Sickness and in health, you include mental. Until Death do we part, that doesn’t leave any other out. You are here, you have to figure it out, you have to solve it, you have to wait. Time, it took so much time, so few steps forward and so many backward. I was hard, harder than I wanted to be, but toughness is what got me through my own personal hell. How do you give that to your wife?
Krav Maga. Arguments could be made that I owe my marriage to this sport. I could only be so tough and can only expect so much from my wife but in class… in class she could rage as much as she needed. She got to find that animal instinct of whatever it takes. She found that part of her that unlocks and refuses to die. It could be a choke hold from a 300lb man, break it. A knee giving out from too much strain, win with the other one. A girl who’s trained BJJ for 7 years, beat her. WHATEVER. IT. TAKES. I couldn’t teach my wife war, it didn’t fit our roles and relationship. This group could, I will forever be grateful.
I couldn’t be more proud of this girl. She came from a very peaceful life, she came from struggles yes but fewer and much farther between and with a very strong support system. What I learned in isolation she learned with reliance on others. She grew with protection, I grew to protect myself from everyone. Her threat assessment broke from experience, mine had been on high alert from birth. Today, we celebrate, every day we celebrate because of what we have overcome. It takes a whole lot of hell to learn how to fight at 30 but she’s living proof that it’s possible. She didn’t quit, she didn’t back down, she didn’t run away to safer places. Through all hell, we stuck it out together and we are so strong for it. I knew there’d be a day where I could stand proud and say “look at my wife, look at this warrior, look at the Queen of F**king everything”. My heart swells knowing we made it this far. My eyes are tearing up for the first time in joy. She’s my hero, we are heroes. We Overcome. It didn’t come easy, it was in no way free, and it tested every part of who we are but if we can do it… anyone can. Your marriage is worth it, your friends are worth it, you are worth it. Improvise, Adapt, Overcome.
Overcoming mental boulders 