Imposter

I am an Imposter. Constantly pretending to be something I’m not in order to blend in or to appear like I’ve got it all together. I practiced reading people, I spent hours learning how to predict behavior, everything was given to the task of being a perfect chameleon. I always need to say the right thing or behave the right way to receive affirmation from others. I receive value by comparison, if I’m the best in the room I have value. If I am not I should be quiet and listen in order to learn from the best. In fact if you’re better than me I probably don’t even have a right to speak to you. Keep your head down, do your job, don’t stand out. 

This leaves me with quite a conflict. I crave the spotlight, and fear it more than anything else. It’s a painful dichotomy. A need to be noticed and evaluated and an intense fear of being noticed and evaluated. A crippling fear of supervisors and yet a need to be affirmed by the same humans I fear. A compulsion to stay an imposter, to only present my best self so that I only get positive feedback. I recently learned of imposter syndrome and it struck a chord in me. I felt completely exposed, terrified, and relieved. I keep wanting to say that’s not me, I’m confident, cocky, and self-assured… some days, and some days not so much. Is that normal or is that a syndrome?

According to a 2011 review of research on “imposterism,” common traits of someone who has imposter syndrome include: feeling highly anxious about an achievement-related task. going overboard on a specific task because you’re afraid of failing. needing to be the very best, and dismissing your own talents when you aren’t.

When I was a senior in high school I took my first psychology course.  I cried so many times in that class and it led me to seek therapy. It was as if the more I learned of myself the more terrified and anxious I became. I remember one class so vividly (even 13 years later), we were doing a lesson on fear and teacher decided to have everyone “anonymously” write their biggest fears on a piece of paper put it in a hat, pass the hat around the room and everyone reads someone else’s. The format “My Biggest Fear is: ______” Seemed really straight forward to me, no need to write the first 4 words since they are the same on literally all 33 of these kid’s words. However the girl, Amy, who read mine apparently needed the full sentence. I only wrote 3 words “I will fail”, she read them and laughed. Like gut laughed and mocked probably because I didn’t write the whole sentence but my own insecurity couldn’t take it.  My fear of failure is something to be mocked. I am something to be mocked. I do not have value. They were already words that plagued me, this was just another affirmation of my worthlessness.

I judge myself in 3 basic categories, Athletic ability, Work Success, and Relationships. Any one of these can trigger a depressive episode but if I reframe, the other two can protect me. If I have a really good climb session with nothing but victory, work or any relational issues can be ignored and forgotten, at least I’m strong. Likewise if work is awful and I didn’t get to go to the gym if the wife shows me love I’m good, cause at least she finds value in me. If both of those are falling apart but I’m kicking ass at work and heading for a promotion I’ve got that in my corner and I feel great. It’s my own attempt at a triangular fortress of mental protection. 

The question becomes is this all imposter syndrome or just general anxiety? At my core I’m very chill and very confident in things being okay. I’ve gone through enough hell in my life that I’m quite sure of my own survival in any situation. But surviving and thriving are very different ways to live your life. It’s not enough to just make it through every day, I want to be satisfied and happy with everything I do. I want to accomplish new tasks without body convulsing anxiety going into it. I want to go into evaluations without fear, knowing who I am and what I have accomplished. Not hiding and hoping they haven’t seen all my flaws and failures. 

“Needing to be the very best, and dismissing your own talents when you aren’t.” I do have safety protocols on this thought, I only compare myself to people “in my category”. In frisbee I only compared myself to people at my level, I fully expected to be dunked on by X or Hamilton and other top tier Frisbee players but if Rosen or John Lar took me down I’d redouble my efforts. There were acceptable losses, and unacceptable ones but as long as I was performing in my window I was satisfied. This club season and even league season in Frisbee destroyed me. I placed a lot of value and expectations on myself and I did not meet them. I was benched, I wasn’t trusted to perform, I wasn’t valuable enough to be on the field. I already had plans to retire from the sport soon but these broke my spirit. I dishonorably discharged myself because I’m not good enough and I cannot stand failure. 

This takes climbing to my only assessment of Athletic ability, which is riddled with excuses and ways to defend oneself. However, it’s not a team sport so there’s no way to blame another individual, it’s all on you if you send it or not. When I succeed I am joyful as to be expected but if I go in with a goal and I do not achieve it or I do not perform to my levels I am crushed, I implode on myself and say insane things like “If I don’t send a V6 I have no value and am worthless to everyone”. As if a V grade gives my person worth. I need to be able to pull with 105lbs of force on my left arm or I don’t deserve to even try. It is insanity, but it’s what my brain does. Last night I struggled and failed time and time again, I left with not enough victories to reframe despite being so sore my grip almost failed me on the drive home. It’s just not enough. 

I’m 30. I’m old for a climber, especially one who didn’t get a base of strength before age 27. I’ll never stand on a podium, I’ll never win a competition, I’ll never compete on a larger scale than my own local gyms. I’ll most likely never climb harder than a V9 and that’s only if a setter sets something way soft and mislabels. If I say these things am I simply giving into fear and refusing to try, does failure determine if I attempt? Or am I being wise and setting attainable goals?

I have stupid dreams, hopes of getting instafamous, trying to be a youtuber when I can’t even climb a V7, investing in Tik-Tok and Twitter thinking someday I’ll do something that goes viral. Trying to coach, when I find it hard to believe I have anything to offer. Trying to use my winning personality to make money. In reality I’ll never be more than an Intermediate climber who falls more than he sends, and helps other people get better than he can himself. Those that can’t do, Teach. 

Maybe I’ll have a kid who goes head over heels for climbing, maybe I teach them well and their passion soars and they go places I only dream of. But maybe they hate it, maybe it’s not what they want. I can’t make my kids live my dreams, they have their own. And so I lay to rest any hopes of being anything more than average. I refuse to force on my spawn a value system that is accomplishment based. I refuse to make them like me. They will know love without condition. They will have worth regardless of actions. I cannot fix me, not yet, but maybe I can make them better.

So what’s the point of this nonsensical smattering of sadness?
How To Deal With Imposter Syndrome: Type Two – What You Can Do

• HAVE SOMEONE YOU TRUST TO TALK TO. 
• MAKE A LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS, SUCCESS STORIES AND POSITIVE FEEDBACK.
• TALK ABOUT IT WITH OTHERS. CHANCES ARE THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY.

I ignore everything, I hide everything mostly because I’m convinced no one really cares if I had a bad day. I pretend to be okay, even to myself, I act cocky and like a jackass to defend myself from any sense of failure. I live with the persistent inability to believe that my own success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of my efforts or skills. Maybe some of you do too, maybe not. Either way this is just a little glimpse into who I am, and why I’m so ridiculous all the time. Maybe it’s true, and maybe it’s not, emotions, logic, and truth don’t always match. Some days the imposter feel is stronger than others, some days it’s like it doesn’t exist at all. Sometimes it’s just general anxiety and fear and can’t even be called imposter syndrome. The inconsistency just makes it harder, and I can’t always see the truth of the situation. My compulsion to win often unlocks new levels of power and pushing myself to new heights, but it can also leave me feeling entirely too defeated when I lose. 

I am not an imposter, but I do struggle. I have so much to accomplish, and so many dreams to fulfill. I won’t give up, I refuse to quit, but I often lose and losing is just a normal part of life. No need to lie about it, pretend it doesn’t matter, or blow it off. Accept it, learn from it, and MOVE ON. This is the talk about it version of healing.